The Princess Alchemist
by WickedRocksSoMuch
Summary: <html><head></head>Eastern HQ is ordered to preform a play of the Princess Bride. Hughes, however, has an idea. And, as Hamlet says "The Princess Bride's the thing wherein we'll catch the complements of King Bradley!" or something like that...</html>
1. Chapter 1

AN: This idea just popped into my head. I really like it. I hope you do too!

Hawkeye strode off to work. She ran over the Fuhrer's orders in her head. _'Due to recent goings-on, Colonel Roy Mustang and his subordinates are to preform in a play adaptation of the Princess Bride to be shown to the ranking officers of the Amestrian Military.' _

The Lieutenant shook her head. Working with the team, she could deal with, but acting with them... well, if nothing else, it could turn out to be a very interesting experience. For her, at least.

Though, Hawkeye couldn't help but wonder why. Why the Princess Bride? Why now? And why did Hughes, of all people, have to direct it? Getting him to stop talking was like telling the sun to tone it down a bit. Not happening.

By this time Hawkeye had arrived at the office. She went inside, only to find it was silent as the grave. No one was there. A scribbled note was on top of the precarious-looking pile of paperwork on Mustang's desk. On it was the message:

'Went to the warehouse down the street to rehearse. We have already cast the parts. Come ASAP. M.'

Hawkeye scanned over the information. She rolled her eyes at Mustang's idea. If they were rehearsing at warehouse 13 nothing would get done. The men would be to bust worrying about ghosts and ghouls to work.

However, she was determined to see the enterprise thought to the last. Regardless of how far that might be. She exited the office and set off down the street. Once she made it to said warehouse and had entered she found yet more silence.

The team was waiting for her. They were actually waiting in fear. Mustang was the most afraid. This was because he knew what role the Lieutenant would be getting, and she was NOT going to like it. Gulp.

Hawkeye glanced around and sensed the tension. She guessed that the parts had been cast and that whatever she had gotten had made the men afraid of her wrath. Not necessarily a bad thing. To bad she wasn't allowed to injure them severely.

Hughes, as the director, had the unfortunate task of informing her of the recent developments. Why is he the director? That's a good question... because he's the biggest Princess Bride fan. I'm telling you, it's the truth. Getting back to the story...

"You're going to be playing Buttercup to Mustang's Westley." Hughes said brightly. Hawkeye waited a moment for the punchline. Apparently, it wasn't coming. No wonder the men were frightened. That explains it.

Mustang stared intently at Hawkeye's face for any sign that she was going to shoot them all. Deciding that the coast was clear, he got out from his hiding place behind a table. You heard me.

He brought forth the script. Okay, not so much, he tried to bring it forth but he really just got it and handed it to Hawkeye. But, that just doesn't sound as cool.

The Lieutenant perused the script. She read over the various scenes and smiled at all the funny bits. But, the true love nonsense just isn't really her forte and by the end of it she was frowning again.

"So, I'm Buttercup, the Colonel's Westley, where does that leave the rest of you?" she asked suddenly. This was an obvious question but her voice still made everyone jump.

Hughes handed her the list and she glanced over it. It looked like this:

Westley: Mustang

Buttercup: Hawkeye

Vizzini: Falman

Inigo: Fuery

Fezzik: Armstrong

Humperdinck: Havoc

Rugen: Breda

The team looked at her face expectantly. She felt they were waiting for her opinion. Jeez, the pressure. Actually, only one thing had occurred to her. "Havoc, your character's name, is _Humperdinck_?" Hawkeye asked, fighting back a smile. Havoc blushed cherry red. He discreetly hid behind a table which happened to be conveniently nearby.

Hughes gave one of his trademarked smiles and shouted "TAKE YOUR MARKS FOR THE CLIFFS OF INSANITY!" everyone then scrambled over one another (except Hawkeye) to reach their places.

_"Do you hear that Princess? Those are the shrieking eels. They get louder when they're about to feed." Vizzini said evilly. Buttercup looked around at the sound of deadly swishing around her. Just as the eel was about to attack-_

A loud scream rent the air. The man portraying the eel clutched at his head. A large metal object was swinging from Hawkeye's hand. It appeared that in the split second before he got her, she had hit him. So much for Fezzik.

Hughes saw this and was struck with an idea. He glanced over at Mustang and measured him up. This could work. He announced his idea to the cast. "We will be switching lead roles. Hawkeye will be Westley and Mustang, you get to be Buttercup."

Hawkeye smirked. Mustang gaped openly at Hughes. Hughes grinned. The team of Eastern HQ made sure that Mustang didn't have access to his ignition gloves.

They restarted the scene with the new substitutions. _"Do you hear that Princess? Those are the shrieking eels..." _the scene actually went better than the first time. Hawkeye defeated Inigo and Fezzik without batting an eye.

After rehearsal was done the Lieutenant thought she'd have a brief discussion with Mustang to see if he was okay with the switch. She did so and he seemed to be okay with it. Apart from the usual 'I feel so insulted. I'm so hard done by. Hughes is so annoying...' yada, yada, yada.

While this was going on Hughes could be seen in chibi form in the background squealing about how cute his daughter was. Mustang walked Hawkeye back to work. He then attempted to get out of paperwork. Whether or not he did remains to be seen.

AN: What do you think? Did you see the switch coming? I really like it! I think that Mustang makes for the perfect Buttercup! :) Please Review!


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Well, it's been a while. As you can tell, I haven't gained any new skills. Sigh. Maybe next time.

In short, Mustang did not get out of paperwork. In fact, he stayed very late that night finishing it all. At last count, he had gotten through... well... half a pile. This was a new record, so Hawkeye felt as though she had accomplished something. It was something, at least.

Mustang didn't get much sleep that night. Not for the more obvious reasons, but because he simply couldn't get the mental image of Hawkeye maiming the eels out of his head. For the Colonel, what some people called love, he called going insane. Nevertheless, that was what was happening.

However, when most men fall in love, they are not faced with the daunting prospect of wearing a dress in front of said love. In fact, a surprisingly low amount of men have to face that. On the other hand, a surprisingly low amount of men can light people on fire my snapping their fingers.

But back to the matter at hand. Mustang got next to no sleep. So, he was a little bleary the next day at rehearsal. Astonishingly, Hawkeye was too. (Not that any of them noticed. They never do.)

The team of Eastern HQ is not known for their acting. Their is a reason for that. Want to know what that reason is? It's because they hide their brilliant acting very well. As if. They were just barely getting by. Quite frankly, Armstrong would've made a more convincing 'Incredible Hulk' not that that would be recommended either.

But, they did have one redeeming trait. Actually, they have one redeeming actor. The Lieutenant. She could act her way out a paper-bag. And she made one _amazing _Westley. This girl could _act._ Hughes immediately recognized this and reworked the script so that this was emphasized.

There was but one problem with this. With Mustang being Westley, there was on possible way for him to _catch up to _the kidnappers. But, that is exactly what Hawkeye was doing. She could climb faster, run quicker, and certainly didn't need a sword to kill you.

This was a major issue. So, Hughes had to break it to her. "Hawkeye, here's the thing. We need you to tone it back a bit. Well, you see, if you don't this whole thing won't work. Wanna see a picture of my daughter to make it all better?" this last was apparently meant to cheer her after she was scolded. By Hughes no less.

Ah, but what a rehearsal. They got a lot done, but since they needed some comedy relief to lighten the dark mood of Hawkeye, well, they did the scene when Westley has just woken up. It was a thing of beauty. Never before have you seen the role been done such justice (other than the movie of course.)

Though, all good things must come to an end. This was no exception. So, since they needed to roughly block ALL the scenes... you may want to turn around for this.

"Riza!"

"Yes, Lieutenant Colonel?"

"We're doing the part when Roy **ahem** _Buttercup _is about to kill herself." Hughes said, cowering behind the rest of the team. You know that wasn't going to protect him much. Or at all. Mustang raised his hands and...

Hawkeye grabbed his arm and calmly led him onstage. Everyone breathed a huge sigh of relief. What (again) would they do without Hawkeye? The answer was clear: Die. Well, maybe not that drastic but we're getting off topic here.

_Buttercup bid farewell to the King and Queen and went to the __table. She picked up the knife and looked it over. She held it to her chest. "There are to few perfect breasts in the world, leave your alone." came a voice from behind her. She dropped the knife in surprise and ran to the bed. Because there lay her love, Buttercup leaned forward..._

And three gunshots rang through the air. Behind Mustang (Buttercup's) head could be seen three corresponding holes in the set. As you know, Hawkeye is not a touchy-feely kind of person. Quite the opposite, in fact. This was rather out of her comfort zone.

Mustang's face was just regaining some of it's colour. Hawkeye saw this and was chagrined "I am most sorry, sir. I promise it will not happen again." she said severely. Mustang nodded and got up from the bed.

"Run it from there!" Hughes voice boomed, seemingly none the worse-for-wear for having almost just been witness to a murder. Huh. He motioned for Mustang to get on with it. So they took their places and wound up to go again...

_Buttercup jumped on the bed and kissed Westley. Westley said "Gently." "At a time like this and all you can say is 'Gently'?" Buttercup demanded. "GENTLY!" cried Westley. "Westley, I got married." Buttercup told him "Did you say 'I do'?" Westley asked. "Well, no we kind of skipped that part." Buttercup replied, confused. "The your not married." Westley said simply. Buttercup smiled brightly. "Wouldn't you say so, your majesty?" Westley asked, looking towards the door. There stood Prince Humperdinck. He said... _

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, I don't actually have to come in when they're kissing do I? And when the boss's in a DRESS? Couldn't I have a dramatic entrance at the end?" Havoc completely ruined the scene, bemoaning his fate, as he was. Typical Havoc.

Mustang spewed profanity that would've impressed 50% of truckers. It would've shocked the other half. Fuery's ears almost fell off. Once he'd finished, Hawkeye calmly drew her gun and started cleaning it. This made everyone shut their yappers and listen up.

"I think that's enough rehearsing for today. Go home and go over your lines. Now who wants to see a picture of my little girl? She just turned three!" Hughes yelled. He seemed to sense that nothing else was really going to get done. Not with this crowd.

"Hawkeye, could you go over a scene with me?" Mustang asked, as he caught up to her just before she left. Lucky chance, that. She nodded curtly and walked briskly past him. "If you're coming, you'd best pick up the pace." she threw over her shoulder. Mustang ran to catch up.

AN: I LOVE Mustang in a dress or a skirt or any kind of female attire. Probably something wrong with that. Oh well. Did you like it? I may have to change the rating...


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: I came back! Sorry it took so long! But I do hope it was worth the wait. But on to the story...

Lt. Riza Hawkeye rolled her eyes for what felt like the hundredth time as her superior flubbed yet another line. He just didn't seem to be getting the whole defenceless thing. Not that she would be doing much better, still, though, he probably wasn't trying hard enough. As per usual.

But there did reach a point when one had to step in and do what one could to help the situation.

What Hawkeye could do was to stop Mustang in his tracks. How? Well...

"Sir, I know it's difficult for you to get in the mind set of the character, but could you at least _try?_" she asked calmly. His head jerked up and he blushed a brilliant scarlet. "I, um, was just testing you, to...erm...see if you would pick up on that. Very nice work." he managed.

"Whatever you say, sir." she muttered. She picked up her script and scanned it to see which part he might have less trouble with. The part just after Vizzini's death could work. She indicated that they should start there.

Clearing his throat, Mustang began...

_"To think, the poison was in your glass the whole time." Buttercup marvelled. "No, both cups were poisoned. I've spent the last three years building up an immunity to Iocane powder." the man in black replied. "Who are you?" she asked him, "I am no one to be trifled with." was all he would tell her. The man in black grabbed Buttercup's hand and pulled her along behind him. They ran for miles. The man in black told Buttercup to rest. "If you let me go-_I can't do this." Mustang whined, breaking out of character for at least the fiftieth time.

"Why do I have to be the girl?" he continued on. Hawkeye sighed, "Because I can defend myself better, I'm blond, I took acting and fencing, and besides," she grinned, which was odd, "You look much better in the costume." Mustang was nodding, until he realized the import of her words. "What are you saying?" he demanded.

"That Hughes is a cruel, cruel man who wants to watch you paraded around in a dress." his Lieutenant retorted. Mustang saw an opportunity to raise his eyebrow and took it. "So you don't think this had anything to do with the fact that he's been trying to get you to go out with me for the past several years?" he asked slyly.

Hawkeye turned bright red. 'Inhale, exhale, repeat' she thought to herself. Then decided she was still too angry. So she pushed him out the door murmuring something about seeing him tomorrow.

Mustang idled in the hallway for a while, wondering if he should feel victorious or loserific for being kicked out. He decided on the latter and headed back to his own apartment.

The Next Day...

Hawkeye trudged along the pathway, treading carefully along the pathway, glancing over her shoulders, as had been her habit since returning from Ishbal. However, she didn't run into anyone on her way to rehearsal.

The men had not yet started, which made sense, since they had only just arrived. Though, from previous experience, even if they'd been waiting for hours, they still wouldn't have gotten anything done without her watchful eyes on them.

Regardless, they got under way quickly enough. Due to the difficulty of the scene, the fight scene between Inigo and Westley had been given precedence. Though it may surprise you, Fuery fenced competitively when he was a teenager.

So the two of them, Fuery and Hawkeye faced off with two dull, sword-shaped objects. They could, of course, have been sharp, but this was a stage production, and that simply was not done. Besides, it wouldn't make much of a difference. These two...were very good with blades.

A battle between two masters, as it were.

Once they had the blocking pretty much down pat, they started adding in their lines along with it.

Meanwhile, Mustang, Havoc and Breda were running lines together. Falman would've too, but he was in possession of an encyclopedic memory. He had the whole thing memorized, so he also got to be in charge of feeding the lines to the actors, if they forgot. Or prompting, as the artsy types call it.

After a few hours, Mustang and the rest got tired, whereas the people doing the hard work were still going at it. To them, this was just wrong. So they thought they'd set it aright. Or, awrong, depending on your philosophical bend.

Therefore, they concocted a scheme of most evil proportions. They glanced over at where Hawkeye and Fuery were busily trying to kill each other. It was a beautiful thing to behold. If you like that sort of thing.

So they grabbed some vinegar (this was after vinegar) and poured it into the water bottles located next to the practising area. They replaced the water with vinegar and lay back to survey their handy-work.

As per their plan, the unsuspecting Fuery grabbed the bottle and drank deeply. He turned green and ran towards the bathroom.

But, rather not according to plan, Hawkeye sniffed the bottle, made a face, and flung the contents at the offending trio. They stiffened as they got a face-full of the stuff. Hawkeye stretched and grabbed a normal bottle. She drank deeply and then raised an eyebrow at the still wincing three.

"You know that my father usually worked with chemicals, right? I can smell that stuff a mile away." she said expressionlessly, fingering her blunt sword.

The men looked down and nodded dejectedly. Though, on the bright side, they had made Fuery vomit.

But that hadn't been the point.

Far from it.

There was always next time, though.

Hawkeye kept an eye on them, as they schemed against her.

Author's Note: Again, I am sorry about the wait, I hope not to do so again. You like it? If you do, review!


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Note: Hello. Last one to update, I've got this!~ After this, I'll be writing some Avengers fics. This will be the last one here, enjoy!

Having endured several months of rehearsal, many musical montages and the dreaded 'week before the show', Hawkeye figured that things could not get much worse. After all, there was only one show, and only so many things that could go wrong. As they say, a bad dress rehearsal means a good show.

Which probably meant that something would blow up.

Hawkeye hoped her fears were unfounded as she prepared herself for the show. It was finally the big day, the day of the show. Hawkeye was feeling a little nervous to be perfectly honest, but she was more worried about the fact that _no one else had arrived yet_. The team of Eastern HQ was nowhere to be found. So, as mentioned, Hawkeye felt a teeny tiny bit nervous. 'But,' she reflected, 'there's still two hours till the show starts. Plenty of time.'

_One hour later_

The remaining best and brightest still M.I.A., Riza felt her unease grow steadily. To take her mind of it, she ran through her fight choreography. When still the others were not in attendance, Hawkeye began to aimlessly shoot smiley faces in the wall.

_Forty minutes later_

Roy Mustang burst through the door followed by the rest of his team. Mustang turned to the rest of his team and motioned for them to quiet down.

"Shh boys, or she'll notice us."

They tiptoed quietly, looking from side to side. That's how they managed to walk straight into a highly irritated Lieutenant. The best and brightest of Eastern HQ toppled backwards like a line of dominoes. At any other time, Hawkeye would have been amused. As it was, she wanted nothing more than to skewer her fearless leader and his devoted followers. Getting a grip upon herself, Hawkeye gave the men a look that promised murder as soon as the show was over. She allowed herself a small smile at the sight of the terrified soldiers.

Motioning for them to get a move on, Hawkeye strode off to have a discussion with the stage manager (Al had volunteered to fill that particular job). Her absence prompted everyone else to get ready for the show. Mustang (playing a very manly Buttercup) got into his...uh...erm...okay, his dress. In his defence, it was a very manly dress, it had...um...alright, it had golden piping. So much for a manly Buttercup.

The rest of the team had their dignity more or less intact, with a few notable exceptions. Perhaps the doublets (complete with puffy sleeves) were a bit much, but they were nicely matched by the leggings that everyone except Armstrong had to wear (he broke his, not a pretty sight...).

The audience had, by this point, gathered in the auditorium where Mustang's team was to be brutally humiliated, or rather, where they were to present the show.

The show began without a hitch; Mustang didn't break character and they got all the way to the top of the Cliffs of Insanity before things started to go wrong.

_Westley and Inigo faced of with one another. _

_ "I admit that you are better than me." Inigo said. _

_ "Then why are you smiling?" asked the man in black._

_ "Because I know something you don't know," Inigo smiled, "I am not left handed." Inigo shoved his masked opponent off of him and threw his sword into the air-_

"Darn it!" Fuery cried as the hilt of his sword bore down on his head. Hawkeye knocked it away from him and quickly improvised.

_The man in black grabbed Inigo's lost sword and rested a sword on either side of his neck. _

_ "Kill me now." Inigo muttered._

_ "To kill a master such as yourself, would be like destroying a work of art...but since I can't have you following me..." The man in black knocked out Inigo with the hilt of his sword and left the Italian's blade for him to find. He ran off after the kidnappers. _

The rest proceeded smoothly until it came time for Buttercup and Westley's reunion. Having rolled down a slight incline, Hawkeye found herself being squished by the far weightier Mustang. It took her a while to recover. So, Mustang had to make up lines to cover for her.

_"Oh, Westley, I thought I had lost you. But my fiancee will be coming after us...oh, Westley I love you so much. Why don't you speak to me." _

_ "I think, _(huff)_ perhaps, your lovely form _(wheeze) _has become somewhat heavier _(pant) _since last I saw you."_

Ah, improv, thou art a friend.

Once Hawkeye had recovered sufficiently to run around, she and Mustang were able to continue the scene. Once again, everything was going splendidly right up to the point when Buttercup and Westley once again reunite. In a perfect world, Buttercup would sit on Westley and kiss him. That's what did happen. However, in a perfect world, Buttercup sitting on Westley wouldn't knock him out.

That's what did happen.

So, when Havoc (as Humperdinck) barged in, he had only an unconscious Hawkeye and a disgruntled Mustang to greet him. He and Mustang performed well under the circumstances.

The audience loved it.

_"We didn't say 'I do,' we're not married." Buttercup said stubbornly. _

_ "But what can your lover do? He hasn't even the strength to open his eyes!" Humperdinck snorted derisively. _

_ "Then I will fight you!"_

_ "You? Well, I was going to kill you anyway! To the death!"_

_ "NO," a voice echoed through the room, "to the pain."_

Mustang and Havoc whipped their heads around to look at Hawkeye lying on the bed, evidently recovered from being squished by Mustang. She was leaning forward, with her sword pointed at Havoc's face. Then something very odd happened. Extremely odd.

She grinned.

And nothing else went wrong.

...

_Crash_

Almost nothing.

Author's Note: Well, I had fun, hope you did too!


End file.
